This is hard for me to write.
The last thing I want to do is face up to how much money dealing with trauma has cost me in my life,
yet this is what’s coming through today.
It’s also part of the process of tuning deeper into our bodies, to clear out blockages there, to allow more love, wealth and radiant energy into our lives.
So here goes . . .
Every time I chose not to invest in my healing because I felt “it’s a part of life” or “it was a long time ago” or “it’s a luxury hardly anybody hires healers I will be fine without it,” I suffered.
I dove into eating too much, feeding chaotic drama with my friends and lovers, and overall numbing out the feelings my poor body was trying to push through – to alert me to “Listen up, Let this up and out, so you can Heal.”
I just kept shutting that wise voice that knew what was best for me down, every time.
And then it stopped talking to me at all.
Why would it keep talking to me and sharing signals with me if I just kept ignoring them and stuffing them back down with food and drama and Netflix binges whatever else I could find to numb it out, right?
Trusting relationships with our bodies is a thing – a very real thing.
Even if you’re a pro-number like me, the truth remains: when we don’t tend to our relationship with our body, there is no relationship.
It disconnects altogether.
Yes there may be glimpses and glimmers of whispers and truths here and there, but like a friend with benefits you only see when you’re really desperate, it will never be reliable.
It will never fulfill your soul.
This is what happened to me.
In 2004 I worked on Canada’s second largest child murder case in my government career. I was responsible for interviewing the murderer, the victim and his family, his employer, his school – anyone and everyone in his life, that could give me the bigger picture, so I could accurately complete what ended up being a thirty-seven page report for his trial judge, to help determine his sentencing.
Like most people I had watched Law and Order and Crime Forensice, I had even taken criminology courses in universities with serial killer textbooks that robbed me of my sleep for nights, but I had never dealt with anything like this before.
There I was, reading autopsy reports of the poor young boy. Spending hours with his crying mother and father. Then of course the two full days I spent interviewing him.
I worked for a full year on that trial, taking my work home with me, staying in the office until 9 or 10pm most nights, because I wasn’t given a break on my usual and already demanding case load.
I was exhausted – yet I had to push through. For the memory and legacy of that young boy. For his family. For the community. For my branch of government office. For my career.
There was no choice or option to rest – just push, push, push, push, PUSH.
Where did all this trauma go?
Into my body.
My body was forced to stay silent, and just carry it all.
Month after month after month.
By the time my doctor saw me the trial was over and much of the go-go-go and push-push-push stopped.
That’s when all the trauma came pouring through – up and out, to be dealt with.
Instead of therapy though, he diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, gave me a handful of pills, and sent me off work to “get better.”
If you call gaining 150 pounds over the course of that next year better, from being numbed and debilitatied by side-effects of psychotropic drugs, then OK.
In 2010, for the first time in my life, I found myself what society was just starting to call a “plus-size” woman.
I’d never known so much as a ten pound weight gain before that.
I was athletic, a dancer, a soccer player, horseback rider, dedicated gym & aerobics queen, with a very active social and physical life.
All of that was washed away in one fell swoop – after a year of pushing down my emotion and trauma to do my job properly.
Self-care was not an option before this, now it was nothing but an option.
Still, as you can imagine, a woman who tolerated that kind of work framework, there was no self-care habit in place so there was a lot of learning to do.
This is where calculating the cost of being numb came in for me.
The extreme consequence of gaining 150 pounds (then needing to figure out a way to release it) was just the beginning.
Yes, my health was a huge price to pay in exchange for being numb, not facing my inner conflicts about whether to take the case or not in the first place, or properly proccessing emotion that came up in what national papers dubbed Canada’s Second Largest Child Murder case.
I just stuffed it down….letting my health take the hit when it was all over.
Not to mention my personal relationships, I had isolated myself by the end of that case, and it took some getting used to being a plus-size woman before I got out to socialize again.
Last, money. When I was in this numb state, time stood still. I was focussing on coping one minute to the next. I did not return creditor calls, which turned into collection calls. I did answer the door when the man came to re-possess my car, and sign the bankruptcy papers when the adjudicator told me “there’s no way you’ll pull yourself out of this $60,000 hole when you’re off work.”
[Fast forward to today and I created $30k in one week in my coaching business, but I didn’t know my potential back then – I simply followed outer authority – numb to my greatest resource: MY INNER VOICE]
So how did I get from numb to here?
First, with the help of a mentor and healer who I previously would have never considered investing in (it wasn’t covered on the benefit plan after all, right?), I understood what was going on internally that allowed me to attract and endure such life experiences.
This is what it was:
Underlying it all was the belief that I was not worth stopping and considering. That I needed to do the work at any cost and forget about my self. That my needs came last on the list of priority, even though I was one woman, being asked to carry the weight most communities can barely handle as a whole.
So of course I went numb. I needed to cope.
Twelve years later, my default is now self care.
That’s my greatest “of course.”
I now teach my coaching clients and course students to do this *first* too, before anything else, so they don’t undergo what I went, due to ways of thinking and conditioning they’re not even aware of being subscribed to.
I know one of the worst case scenarios at the end of this numbing road, so what I won’t do is close my eyes to sleep at night, knowing I didn’t share a story that could have saved the parts of a woman’s life that really matter.
No salary, profit, or reputation at work is worth sacrificing ANY of that.